Short-short stories - X, Y, Z
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X is for...
X-RATED
Xmastime, xanthocroid Xanthippe Xeroxed xylograph (xylophagous xiphoid
xenogaming xeranthemum): 'Xerxes , xxxxxxx, Xanthippe.'
Xhosa Xerxes X-rayed xylophone:
'Xanthippe, Xerxes xenophobe.'
This translates into normal English thus:
At Christmastime, fair-skinned, fair-haired Xanthippe made a Xerox copy
of a woodcut of a sword-shaped wood-boring insect cross-fertilizing a
xeranthemum plant, and sent it to Xerxes with kisses.
In reply, Xerxes, a member of the Bantu tribe from Cape Province, made an
x-ray of a xylophone and sent it with the message that he, Xerxes, hated
foreigners.
Y is for... a letter, simply titled:
Y?
Yolanda Younghenry
“Yggdrasil”
YORK
Yachtsman Yves Yarwood
Yacht ‘Yankee’
Yeltsin’s Yard
Yonkers
Yuletide
Yves,
Yesterday, your yacht’s yardarm yawed. Yodelling ‘Yippee! Yummy yum-yum! Yo-heave-ho!’
you yorked yappy Yuma youngster, yclept Yvonne. Yvonne yelled, ‘Yoicks!’
Youthful Yorkshireman Yorick, yoking yoghurt-yielding yearling
yaks, yelped, ‘Yomping Yuccas!’ (Yorick yet yearns yo-yoing yon Yvonne’s
yeasty ylang-ylang.)
‘Yokels!’ you yelled. ‘You’re yucky yeomen yobboes.’
Yes, Yves, you yawped.
You yellow yuppie yahoo!
Yours,
Yolanda
Which translates, more or less, as:
Yolanda writes to complain that, yesterday, the yardarm of Yves’ yacht
struck a young American person named Yvonne. A youth named Yorick (from
Yorkshire), who was looking after milking yaks, objected. He is known to
have a yen (somewhat euphemistically expressed) for said Yvonne. The writer
complains that Yves used less than gentlemanly language. Her own response is
equally unladylike.
Z is for...
ZEDDED ZILCH
Zenith, zephyrs zip Zulu ziggurat zone. Zoried
Zoroastrian zealot, Ziggy, zings zaffre zither, zapping zucchini,
zabaglione, zwieback.
Zebediah’s zoological Zeppelin zig-zags
zestfully, zoom-lensing Zambia’s zillion zebu-cross zebras. Zoom-lens zings
– zany zoologist Zoë’s zoning zebu-zebras!
Zoë zaps Zebediah’s zoom-lens.
Zebediah’s zeroed.
Zizzing Ziggy’s zonked, zombified –
zymotitis.
Or in plain English:
Around noon, light breezes play across a Zulu monument where sandaled
hippy Ziggy is playing his blue zither while feasting on courgettes and
dessert, with twice-baked biscuits.
Zebediah is
up in his airship, photographing Zambia’s numberless unusual wildlife, when
he comes across zoologist Zoë, herding the animals. He tries to take a
close-up photograph of her.
Zoë destroys
his camera.
Zebediah
crashes.
And napping
Ziggy falls into a deep sleep, turned into a zombie because of a contagious
disease.
Notes
As I composed the final X, Y, Z stories, my spell-checker really rebelled, querying practically every word while offering few ‘alternative suggestions’ – it had no idea what I was on about. Well, good – so we humans are still in control. Hooray!
Just in case, like my computer, you have problems with the vocabulary here, these last three stories all have explanatory translations.
X is for...
... the shortest story, from the briefest selection of words (one and a bit
pages in my Wordfinder). Nevertheless, every word begins with
‘X’ and it does make sense (sort of).
The picture? It's one of our favourite places - The London Eye, on the South Bank, at night.
Y is for...
...the only chance to use 'you' and 'your', so this had to be either a monologue or a letter. Making it a letter let me have fun with the addresses, too. That lovely ancient word yclept (meaning ‘named’) came out of the shadows to help. But, dear me, that yachting crowd turned out to be a right bunch of yobs!
Z is for...
... the second smallest choice in the dictionary, inevitably giving rise to a final zany taradiddle, another abstruse one, needing elucidation (zounds, this exercise hasn’t half enlarged my vocabulary!).